Every parent at some point wonders why their child exhibits aggressive behaviours, such as hitting, kicking, or throwing objects, especially when these actions aren’t modelled at home or in media they consume. Here’s some guidance on understanding and addressing this behaviour.

Why do children hit, bite, kick?

The main reason for a child’s aggressive behaviour is often that they are dealing with intense and challenging emotions at this particular moment. This suggests that the child is having difficulty coping and is unsure how to communicate their feelings or needs. Additional causes of aggressive behaviour can be boredom, a desire for attention, hunger, tiredness, or copying behaviours they see in their peers.

Stamer & Brandt (2013) offer eight main causes of aggression in preschool children:

• Anger associated with failure or disappointment
• Frustration related to unfulfilled desires
• Feeling rejected or wronged by caregivers, parents, or peers
• Being punished
• Lack of physical activity and outdoor play
• Lack of recognition, appreciation, or acceptance by adults or children
• Exposure to aggression in immediate environments, including imitation
• Media and inappropriate cartoons

How to respond to your child’s aggression?

• Avoid Yelling or Overreacting: This can intensify your child’s aggressive behaviour and make it worse
• Don’t Give Long Lectures: When emotions are high, the part of the brain responsible for processing rational arguments is less active
• Gently Hold the Child’s Hand, Feet or Body: Speak calmly but firmly, saying “I will not let you hit me/your brother/her”
• Name the Emotion: Accept the child’s feelings, but indicate that the behaviour is not acceptable. For instance, “You seem upset, but I will not let you hit”
• Offer Alternatives for Expressing Emotions: Guide the child on how to express emotions safely, such as suggesting to kick a pillow or a soft toy, or guide them in a safe way to express their frustration

The child needs to feel noticed, heard, and understood. This actually reduces the need to repeat the behaviour. It’s important to guide the child on how to handle similar situations in the future and provide alternatives for next time.

What else can we do for our children?

• Teach Proper Communication: Show them safe ways to express emotions but only in a calm situation and not when they are experiencing strong emotions
• Support Emotional Management: Foster skills in managing emotions, which will help reduce aggressive behaviours. For more check my 8 games for emotional regulation

By following these approaches, focusing on understanding, empathy, and clear communication, you can help your child deal with their emotions and express themselves in a healthy way.